


Yours Uncertainly

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 16:04:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2198043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh Sehun bothers Jongdae a whole lot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Yours Uncertainly

_We are sorry to inform you that we are not currently hiring. However, we would like to thank you for approaching us with an application and in the case of any vacant places we shall contact you._

Jongdae lets out a sigh he didn't know he'd been holding as he closes his email and turns the small laptop off. Jongdae hasn't been keeping track of all the rejections he's gotten so far but during these couple of months that he's been applying for jobs none of them have accepted him into their ranks. There’s a distant cattle of dishes coming from the kitchen so Jongdae decides to leave his brooding lair in search of company.

Amber is in the middle of washing various coffee cups that have taken permanent residence in their sink. When Jongdae steps into the room she stops for a second and brings her hand to push a couple of strands off her face.

’Any luck with that record store?’ Amber enquires as she gets back to the washing.

’No,’ Jongdae says and grabs the dishcloth that's hanging on Amber's shoulders. ’But it was a long shot anyway. They just sent me a nice and completely pointless Thank You -note.’ He starts drying the dishes. 

’Maybe if you harass them some more you'll eventually tire them out and they will take you in,' Amber offers helpfully. ’That's what you did with me, at least.’ The last comment results in a wet towel on Amber's face but the girl just cackles. Jongdae twists his face in to an unattractive sneer and returns to the task at hand; drying the ancient Super Junior cup Amber still insists on having.

 

Spending a year in China as an au pair right after high school had seemed like a good idea at the time. A little time off of studying and more time for great adventures and experiences. And it had been great, right until the day when he returned back to Korea and realized he had no money to fund his upcoming studies in a prestigious university - hence the second leap year and the desperate search for a job that would provide him with enough pocket money to fund his first year as a classical music major.

However, applying for jobs hadn't gone as smoothly as he'd predicted and currently his email account is overflowing with rejection letters from various companies. Jongdae had managed to get called in for a couple of interviews but they always ended up in someone else getting the job.

Jongdae had managed to land himself a small and meaningless summer job right after the au pair year but the beach season had soon gone by and Jongdae had once again found himself without any sure income. His extreme saving measures had managed to make the money he'd earned that summer last for some time. Sharing an apartment with two of his friends was fortunately a cheap arrangement and so far he hadn't missed any of his rents which was something. Living in the same household with Amber Liu sure presented its own challenges and but thankfully Amber's girlfriend, Sunyoung, was graceful enough to grant the two of them her ever-loving presence.

 

Couple of weeks later Jongdae finds himself right in front of the very same store that had rejected his well-thought application. He could've been petty and refused to shop there anymore but he was actually pretty familiar with the place. As an avid music enthusiast he usually purchased all his CDs from there and it seemed inconvenient to find a new store. Besides he hadn't even included his picture in the application, so it's not like they knew who he was anyway.

The tingling sound of a doorbell accompanies Jongdae as he sets his foot into the store. Since it's barely after midday there's no other customers present. This means Jongdae can head straight to the new releases section and surf through copies of various American artists and summer-y singles released by dozens of k-pop groups.

Jongdae is not sure what he's looking for but it doesn't matter since the peaceful background music and the meditative movement of flipping through albums gives him a sense of peace he doesn't get from anywhere else.

 

’Can I help you with anything?’

Jongdae is taken by a surprise when the unexpected voice breaks his calm bubble and drops him back into the universe where he's still unemployed and broke. ’Uh, no, thank you. I'm just looking,’ he mutters and gets back to his CDs. ’Yeah, thought as much. It's just that Joonmyun want's me to "engage customers" and all that bull. Sorry. Don't let me bother,’ the boy, as far as Jongdae could tell by the voice alone, says.

’I understand,’ Jongdae says and turns to smile at the other boy. It's meant to be a mindless gesture, a polite acknowledgement but when he actually sees the boy's face pleasantries are the furthest thing from his mind. ’Are you new?’ Jongdae beelines himself right in front of the cashier.

’Um, sorry? Did I do something? I didn't mean to offe—' the boy, Oh Sehun according to the bold name tag he wears on his grey sweater, rambles on but Jongdae cuts him off with a swift hand gesture. ’Are you new?’

’…Yes?' Oh Sehun answers with a wary look on his long, horse-like and obnoxious face. Jongdae presses on, ’When were you hired?’

’Last week. This is only my second day here so, as I said or more like tried to say, sorry if I did something to offend you,’ Oh Sehun looks downright uncomfortable as he casts wary glances towards Jongdae's fuming presence. ’Huh. Last week?’

’I believe that's what I said.’

An uncomfortable silence falls between the two boys as they stare at each other. Jongdae is livid, ready to march out of the store in a storming fashion but something about the other boy makes him stay. 

’This is just so fucking unfair,’ Jongdae sighs in resignation and his shoulders hunch into a defeated position. Oh Sehun seems to relax a bit since it doesn't look like his customer's going to jump on his throat anytime soon.

’What is?’ Sehun asks unaware of the situation at hand. ’I applied here too, like, two weeks ago. They just brushed it off with a 'not currently hiring' speech,’ Jongdae says and stares at Sehun as the boy gets clearly uncomfortable. ’I'm not waiting for you to apologize so don't sweat it,’ Jongdae offers with a small smile and Sehun seemingly relaxes.

’Joonmyun-hyung just offered me this place to earn a little extra cash…' says Sehun after a small break.

’How old are you?’ Jongdae asks nonchalantly, intending to start a nonchalant conversation with the other.

’Nineteen.’

 

Jongdae's sulking on the living room sofa as Sunyoung clatters inside with bags full of Chinese takeaway. Amber is there to greet her girlfriend and relive her out of the food. They both speak in hushed tones and keeping sneaking glances towards Jongdae's murky form.

’Is that frowning going to stop you from eating your share of the food? Because if that's the case I can help,’ Amber finally addresses Jongdae and waves the takeaway bag in front of his nose.

’You'd be frowning too if 15-year-olds were robbing you of jobs,’ Jongdae mutters but manages to move himself on the floor next to the small table. He watches patiently as Sunyoung takes out the containers and sets them down. The smell is heavenly and Jongdae can't help but throw an appreciative smile towards Sunyoung. She's the girlfriend he never had. Nor ever will.

’So he's 15 now?’ Amber asks as she shakes one of the containers in her hand. Jongdae just gives her a glare and proceeds with his own container of rice. ’So what if you’re a little incompetent Chenchen? You can always leech off of me and Luna. Kinda like what you're doing now.’

Sunyoung slaps Amber on the top of her head.

’I'm not leeching. I'm paying my part of the rent…' Jongdae has his mouth filled with food. ’We know, Jongdae. Just, ew, don't talk with your mouth full,’ Sunyoung says and throws a bunch of napkins towards the boy.

 

It takes Jongdae three weeks to go back to the music store he used to visit many times a week. Chanyeol's the one to blame for his sudden return since he spends one entire Wednesday making Jongdae listen to Lee Taemin’s new album. Chanyeol insists it's solely for research purposes but Jongdae sees the blush that creeps up the other boy's neck as Kai, one of the upcoming rappers, throws a couple of lines in on one chorus. Jongdae finds himself liking the overall sound of the CD and owning a physical copy of the album seems like a necessity. So that's why he finds himself standing in front of the small shop, hoping against hope that it's not Oh Sehun's shift.

Jongdae tries to be as discreet as possible when entering the store but his efforts seem to be in vain as there's no one else in there besides him.The rows between shelves are empty and the counter is void of a cashier. Jongdae can, however, hear some rustling sounds coming from behind the bead curtain leading to what he supposes is the storage room. Not that he knows because he isn't an employee.

He finds his way to the New Releases section easily and soon he's once again flipping through various CD covers. He goes through some familiar names like Apink and Block B alongside some American rappers but once he gets to the ”T” he's disappointed to find out that Taemin's nowhere to be seen.

’Hey, excuse me. Are all your new records here?’ Jongdae shouts to the empty counter but doesn't get an answer.

It takes him a couple of steps to reach the counter at the front section of the store. Jongdae rings the small bell positioned on the counter and patiently listens as the distinct sound of something falling on the floor is followed by a string of curses. Ten seconds later bummed looking Oh Sehun steps through the awfully tacky bead curtain.

’Oh, it's you,’ the younger boy says in distaste and crosses his hands in front of his chest. ’What can I do to make you throw this bunch of receipts on the floor again? Because, just to be clear, it was so much fun the last time.’

’Nah, I just need to know if all your new releases are there on the shelf or if you have some other hideouts for them,’ Jongdae answers nonchalantly and refuses to feel sorry. His more or less eloquent exit had been totally deserved even if Oh Sehun was unaware of that.

Sehun looks at Jongdae for a second, waiting for him to back on his words and flip the nearest showcase table over but as nothing happens Sehun disappears behind the bead curtain only to come back carrying a cardboard box. ’We just got some refills. What're you looking for?’

’Taemin.’

’Huh? I don't think I've even listened to it yet. I mean, I'm not so into SM artists,’ Sehun rambles on as he starts flipping through stacks of CDs.

’Well you should.’

Sehun ends up fishing one copy for Jongdae and one copy for the public record player and they spend the better half of an hour listening to the enticing beats of Lee Taemin. The record itself might not be the best Jongdae's ever heard but somehow Sehun's presence makes it all the more special. Go figure.

 

It takes few weeks until Jongdae sees Sehun again. It's not like he's actively searching for the younger boy’s company but he might have slipped into the record store couple of times only to be disappointed by the lack of Oh Sehun he is faced with.

Jongdae's on his way to meet Baekhyun when he decides to stop at the nearby cafe. There he spots Sehun sitting on one of the tables. The cafe is usually populated by exhausted university students trying to make it through the week so Jongdae's a little surprised to see the other boy there. While weighing the pros and cons of engaging Sehun in the said coffee shop he accidentally approaches the boy with a cup of capuccino in his hands and before he has time to make his mind about the matter Sehun spots him and begs him closer.

’Hyung! What are you doing here?’ Sehun asks as he closes the heavy looking book he'd been reading a second ago. Jongdae smiles at him and takes a sip of his drink. ’I'm on my way to meet a friend. I feel like I should be asking you the same question,’ says Jongdae but doesn't sit down even though it looks like Sehun wants him to.

’I'm a student at the university,’ Sehun says, ’Actually, hyung, I didn't even know you studied here.’

’You're a student?’ Jongdae croaks through his closed throat. He eyes Sehun's sweater and the tidy white collars peeking through the neckline. He looks way older than Jongdae and the waves of inadequacy crash over him with full force.

’Yeah. A sociology major. You?’

’Jesus fucking Christ,’ Jongdae moans and sits down on the chair opposite to Sehun. This fit of unexplainable outrage seems to be something Jongdae practices quite regularly so Sehun's not worried. Instead he looks at the older boy with barely contained amusement.

’I knew we had a theological line but that you can get all the way to the top's pretty cool.’

’You're so lame, you know that right?’ Jongdae mutters through the fingers covering his face. He doesn't know wether to cry or laugh at his situation where the guy who's actually two years younger than him has achieved everything that he's still trying to grasp. 

’What did I do this time?’ asks Sehun. He watches Jongdae squirm in his seat with raised eyebrows. Jongdae doesn't answer but makes Sehun buy him another drink instead.

 

Oh Sehun bothers Jongdae a whole lot.

Not just with his looks, which to be fair do also distract him. His easy going smile and toned body make Jongdae feel hot under the collar. The obviously dyed blond hair is tacky and horrible but Jongdae still finds it adorable especially when it starts curling a little after a rain. Oh Sehun is a handsome specimen but that's not all there is.

They've been hanging out together now for a couple of times, sometimes with Sehun's friend Zitao involved and sometimes with Baekhyun and Chanyeol tagging along. It's been great. They all come along really well and Jongdae can honestly say he enjoys Sehun's company. Oh Sehun is a very attentive and polite person. He's funny and sweet to the point that Jongdae thinks there might be something more to their starting ”friendship”.

In other words Sehun is the prefect package. He has a job and a place to study and a small apartment he shares with Zitao. Sehun is every mother's dream whereas Jongdae's life is still in such a mess that he's afraid to let anyone in it. What the younger boy even sees in him escapes Jongdae.

 

It's Friday evening and Jongdae finds himself in a karaoke booth, hunching next to Sehun on a weathered leather couch. Baekhyun and Chanyeol are performing some kind of a hip hop rendition of a Whitney Houston song. Baekhyun's drunken murmur mixed with Chanyeol's incoherent beat boxing has Sehun doubling over with laughter and Zitao’s face is fixed to a permanent grin.

’Can you two stop, please?’ Jongdae moans, pretending to be in pain. Sehun turns to look at him with a slight glint in his eyes

’Yes do! So that Jongdae-hyung can go next!’ Sehun shouts and that makes Baekhyun stop for a second and turn around. The boy shakes his head furiously and grabs the microphone even harder until his knuckles turn white. Then Baekhyun starts blasting the lyrics to the song so off key that Jongdae needs to cover his ears.

’I'm not giving up my place in spotlight, Kim Jongdae,’ Baekhyun announces and keeps on singing. ’Tao-ah! We need a backup dancer,’ Baekhyun points his fingers at Zitao and the boy in question takes a final sip of his beer and joins the duo and starts tumbling on his feet.

Sehun and Jongdae can only endure so much of the freak show presented for them until they unanimously decide to leave the room. Their steps falter a little because of the soju shots they'd been taking during the course of the evening. Sehun grips Jongdae's waist for support and together they find their way out of the building.

They seat themselves down on the step of stairs leading into the karaoke bar and start giggling. It's a little chilly outside and Jongdae can't help but shiver as the wind creeps up his back. Sehun sees his little movement and reaches to adjust the hoodie Jongdae's clutching tightly around himself.

’Was it a bad idea to come down here?’ Sehun asks and pushes his hands to his pockets.

’Definitely not. Did you actually hear anything back there?’ Jongdae smiles and falls silent as a couple of drunk girls walk past them, holding on to each other and giggling nervously. Once they pass it's only Jongdae and Sehun, accompanied by some stray cats digging through a trash can.

’It's ridiculously cold in here.’ Sehun drifts closer to Jongdae, borrowing the boy’s body heat. Jongdae is okay with that. It's actually odd how the things Sehun does or says attach to Jongdae so tightly. He used to be a pretty nonchalant person, not letting anything linger on too long but Sehun's been worming his way into his life, little by little, since the day they first met.

Jongdae leans his head against Sehun's shoulder. It's not the most comfortable position because of Sehun's ridiculously long torso, but it's okay. Okay, okay, okay. Everything Sehun does is okay, like the fact that he actually grasps Jongdae's hands between his own to keep them both warm.

’Your fingers are going to fall off if we don't go inside soon,’ Sehun smiles and emphasizes his words by blowing hot air towards their fingers.

’Only if we walk slowly. I can't expose myself to that fuckery any more.’ Jongdae smiles and let's Sehun drag him up.

The hallway inside is lit by fluorescent lights and it makes everything seem ten times more cold. Jongdae's pressing into Sehun's side and the gesture seems much easier after the small touches they shared outside.

They arrive at the door to their booth but stop before entering. The distant sound of Baekhyun's high notes can be heard through the thick walls. Jongdae slumps his back against the wall and grins at Sehun, ’I guess it's not going to get any better than that.’

’I guess not,’ Sehun shrugs his shoulders and takes a step closer to Jongdae, ’Although you could always sing, hyung.’

There's no traces left of the comfortable silence they shared out in the cold. It's been replaced by pressing, suffocating air, full of something Jongdae can't quite understand. ’I'm pretty sure Baekhyun's not going to let go of that microphone any time soon.’ Jongdae presses his back deeper into the wall.

Sehun's really close now and if it was anyone else Jongdae might have labelled it as ”uncomfortably close”. But as it was Sehun breathing on his face, Jongdae was on the verge of begging him closer. ’We can always drink more to drown out the voice,’ Jongdae offers meekly before his mouth is completely taken by Sehun's lips.

Jongdae can't say he wasn't expecting this. The signs had been in the air for a while now, at least according to Baekhyun and his forever-stalking nature. Jongdae had sort of come to wait it with a growing enthusiasm. He'd even thought about initiating it himself a couple of times but in the end he'd always chickened out.

He's glad that Sehun didn't.

Sehun dominates the kiss with his controlled enthusiasm that seems to be with him in every aspect of his life. He has Jongdae pinned against a wall and his hands are perched on Jongdae's shoulders, strong and persisting. Jongdae gives himself easily in to the kiss and he's more than willing to tilt his head back to grant Sehun more access.

Zitao barges through the door.

’Hey, what are you two loitering here on the hallw-- Okay, never mind.’

 

Jongdae refuses to call their occasional hookups ”dating” so when he's talking about it – unwillingly – with Baekhyun he simply refers to it as ”the thing”.

’That's so stupid. Of course you two are dating,’ Baekhyun flails his hands around in a manner that supposes it's obvious. Jongdae begs to disagree but decides to keep his mouth shut in order to avoid encouraging the conversation to continue.

It's not that Jongdae's unsure of the affection Sehun keeps throwing his way. He's pretty sure that when the boy texts him late at night a good night wish the hearts following the simple sentence are genuine. Jongdae's just unsure about his own feelings and before he ventures deeper into the relationship he'd like to gain more clarity.

Sehun takes Jongdae out on quite a regular basis now and he acts like the perfect gentleman. When they step inside a movie theater he's always the one insisting on buying all the snacks although Jongdae tries to reming him that he's the hyung. Sehun just does his crooked eye smile and scoffs it off. Jongdae stuffs himself with popcorn and when the movie's over Sehun usually treats him to a bubble tea or something equally sugary.

Goodnight kisses are now part of their date routine but as days go by the kisses start appearing more frequently. There's the Greeting Kiss, the You Look So Cold -kiss, the There's No One Else In This Coffee House -kiss and countless others and Jongdae can't say that he minds. Quite the opposite. Jongdae had even initiated the I Know You Think I'm Cute When I stand Up On My Tippy Toes Even Though It Feels Demeaning As Fuck -kiss and he had been pretty happy with the warm welcome he’d received.

 

Sehun and Jongdae are currently sitting in Jongdae's living room watching some idle drama in each others' embrace. The room's very hot yet Sehun insisted on wearing a blanket on top of them so Jongdae's reaching his melting point. Amber comes to the room with an unidentified DVD case on her hands.

’You watching something important there? We got the Hunger Games if you interested,’ Amber says and stands in front of the screen, intentionally blocking their view.

’We?’ Sehun asks.

’Yo! Sunyoung! Get your ass here!’ Amber starts shouting and Sehun visibly flinches away from the loud noise. Jongdae grins half-heartedly and waves Amber to start the DVD. He's not too sorry about missing the prolonged confession scene currently airing on the TV.

Sunyoung comes over with an annoyed look on her face and settles down between Amber and Jongdae. Amber ignores her while skipping through the subtitles menu and settling on Korean. As Amber reaches for the bowl of popcorn Sunyoung has on her lap she gets pushed away by the girl. ’What was that for?’ Amber looks at Sunyoung with mock hurt.

’For calling me here like a dog,’ Sunyoung shakes Amber's hands off of her and turns to Jongdae ’You want any? Sehun-ah? Popcorn?’ she smiles sweetly, even if a little demonically. Sehun reaches for the popcorn and takes a handful.

’Luna…' Amber wails a little.

During the movie Jongdae notices paying far more attention to the girls sitting next to him than the actual film. They accommodate each other effortlessly and the bickering that has taken years to perfect is actually way more interesting than the shaky dialogue on the comically large flatscreen.

Jongdae has been sharing the apartment with the two of them for a year now but he likes to think that he established friendship and mutual affection with the girls way before that, sometime during high school. Amber and Sunyoung had already been a pair back then. Jongdae has grown to know them as extensions of each other. In Jongdae's mind there's no Amber without Sunyoung and vice versa.

The girls' easy companionship worked as a model for Jongdae and his more or less feeble takes on relationships. He wanted to achieve that same sort of codependency with his significant other, whenever he might make himself known. Sehun was already a strong candidate but something about him was keeping Jongdae at bey. He felt very warmly towards the younger boy and genuinely enjoyed the time they spent together and during periods they weren't able to see each other he noticed himself missing the boy. Despite all this there was a nagging feeling at the back of Jongdae's head that told him that there could be more.

’Hyung, you tired? Want to do something else?’ Sehun nudges his sides as he whispers into his ear when they're about halfway through the movie.

’Huh? No, I'm good,’ says Jongdae, turning his attention back to the TV.

 

Jongdae has always been described as a confident person by other people. He says what's on his mind, he's not afraid of a little confrontation and he doesn't shy away from situations where normal people would. His snarky nature indicates that he’s an outgoing type and most of the time that’s true. However there’s also moments when Jongdae’s anything but.

When Jongdae is by himself he gets quiet. Not just physically, but his mind stills as well. He starts thinking about things and before he knows it he's over-analyzing every point of his life until he comes to the conclusion that he's not worth any of it. He is insecure about a lot of things and it pains him that he doesn't have anyone to talk to. Actually, scratch that, he has plenty of people he can talk with, Baekhyun for one barely ever closes his mouth. His blabbering combined with Chanyeol's constantly outpouring jokes keep him occupied and whenever he needs something tad bit more profound he has Amber and Sunyoung or even his friends back in China; Luhan and Yixing to turn to. So it's not actually about talking but more like sharing some sort of connection. He needs someone who's tuned to his frequency and who he doesn't have to share. Someone, who takes him as he is; with his snarky remarks and quiet doubts.

Someone like Sehun.

 

The time when Jongdae and Sehun actually sleep together has, according to Baekhyun, ”been a long time coming”. Jongdae doesn't think so.

Sure, they'd become close. Over the three month time span they'd been seeing each other it would've been kind of impossible to remain emotionally distant. Not with the way Sehun was treating him, all smiles and sappy gestures throughout the day. He was so attentive when it came to Jongdae and his needs that it would've been annoying if it was anyone but Sehun.

’Morning,’ Sehun wakes Jongdae up with a kiss.

It's Saturday morning so Jongdae's a little reluctant to wake up and therefore he nuzzles deeper into Sehun's bare chest. Jongdae insists on keeping his eyes closed in order to get back to sleep but the persistent rays of light that keep peeking through his eyelids make it difficult.

Sehun just chuckles and gives a final kiss before rising from the bed. There's little shuffling sounds to be heard when the boy tries to find his discarded boxers but once he's done Jongdae hears his footsteps retreating towards the kitchen. Muffled voices indicate that he's run into Zitao.

Jongdae buries himself deeper into the sheets.

The sex had been good the way everything with Sehun tended to be. The younger boy had been very reassuring and very careful in his actions. Everything had gone smoothly and yet the nagging feeling in the back of Jongdae's head was getting more insistent. While Jongdae had subdued into Sehun's ministrations willingly he had felt a little helpless. Jongdae would have wanted to give more of himself and the need to feel in control had been staggering. Sehun had done everything by the book yet everything was still lacking.

The feeling that Sehun's all was not enough for him made Jongdae feel sick to his stomach.

 

’Well don’t you have an original take on a post-break up movie.’

Jongdae lifts his eyes away from the TV screen and looks at Amber who's loitering near the doorway to Jongdae's room. ’Well what should I be watching then?’

’I don't know. Victoria-unnie always goes for the sappy romantic stuff. You know, she wants to rediscover her faith in love and men,’ Amber says and takes Jongdae's attention as a permit to step inside his room.

’Well, I want to rediscover my total unworthiness as a human being by watching this,’ Jongdae mutters and turns back to his TV. The room is void of any light except for the one shining from the screen and it's making Jongdae's eyes hurt. 

’You're not as horrible as you think you are,’ Amber keeps on going and takes a seat at the edge of Jongdae's bed. Jongdae scoffs and refuses to look the girl in the eyes.

The aftermath of Sehun and Jongdae's night together had been absolutely catastrophic. As Sehun had been in the kitchen preparing for their breakfast Jongdae had tried to reason with himself; he just felt a little disoriented because their relationship had taken a turn for serious commitment. Jongdae's earlier experiences in bed had never held such a serious meaning and it had always been more about his individual pleasure than satisfaction for both. He'd learned to be selfish and demanding and in control while having sex so succumbing under Sehun had felt weird, but surely it was only temporary.

But then Sehun had walked into the bedroom with a breakfast tray in his hands and Jongdae had lost it. He'd made a hasty exit only to return half an hour later with a poorly prepared break up speech.

It was not about Jongdae not being able to commit but more along the lines of the two of them not fitting together. They wanted different things and as Jongdae's self-worth had been steadily declining the whole morning he was pretty sure that Sehun was meant for greater things. Jongdae didn't deserve his attention, not when he couldn't fully appreciate it.

’Breaking up with someone doesn't make you an asshole. If it's not working, it's simply not working. You know, you're looking out for the both of you etcetera.’

’You don't believe that,’ Jongdae says after a while and Amber has the nerve to smirk a little. ’No, I don't because I think the two of you were perfect for each other. You were on the same level of dumb and it's a crime against humanity that now someone else has to tolerate you. But you did what you had to do and you know best.’

Jongdae only shakes his head and turns the volume on his TV louder.

 

The fact that a couple of months ago Jongdae was pining over a chance to study at an university seems distant now that he's sitting alone is a vast library with a half done essay of which deadline is looming in the very near future.

He would be ready to give up pretty much everything in order to lie under a comfortable blanket with no schedule what so ever, as opposed to his now dangerously frantic last minute studying. His laptop is overheating on the small cubicle table while Jongdae keeps opening more and more tabs on his over worked browser. Using books meant more work and he just wanted to get the essay over with.

Jongdae glances at the clock on the bottom of the screens and pauses. It's 21:56 which means he's been working his essay non-stop for about seven hours already. He can feel his fingers starting to demand for a break whereas his wrists are downright protesting their overworked state. He guesses it wouldn't hurt to go and get some coffee and maybe some firmer substances in the form of a school cafeteria sandwich.

The library is pretty empty and it's being supervised by a sturdy lady on the front desk so Jongdae doesn't feel bad about leaving his computer in the little cubicle while only grabbing his wallet and cellphone. As Jongdae's walking out of the building he nods at the librarian and smiles a little as the woman returns his small gesture.

The coffee shop is not far away so it doesn't take long for Jongdae to reach the place. The shop is half full with chattering students but luckily for Jongdae there's no line between him and his capuccino.

The barista attends some of the same courses as Jongdae so Jongdae's happy to take part in some small talk as his coffee is being prepared by the barista. The idle chatter is actually pretty welcomed after the long silence he'd gone through in the library. It doesn't take long for the coffee to finish and in a matter of minutes Jongdae is digging through his wallet, hoping to find enough cash to pay for his choice of drink as well as the withered ham and cheese sandwich. The barista rings the register and soon Jongdae is out of the little coffee shop, walking back to the library because he still has a deadline to meet.

The university grounds are beautiful and even though he's going through tremendous amounts of stress Jongdae still has to admit that's he's enjoying every last second of his university experience. Studying classical music had always been something he's strived towards to and the fact that he actually got accepted into a pretty prestigious university was still a bit lost on him. Someone had actually deemed him good enough for the course.

Jongdae is so lost in his thoughts that he doesn't hear the approaching footsteps until it's too late and he runs into a very firm and uncomfortably tall person. The coffee slips out of his hands and the mayo inside the sad little sandwich gets on to his shirt as he grabs the pastry harder by instinct.

’...So sorry,’ a familiar voice booms somewhere above him and Jongdae lifts his head away from his messy button-up.

’Wait, never mind, I take that back. I'm not sorry,’ the voice, belonging to one Oh Sehun, states again and the boy tries to dash around Jongdae.

Not exactly sure what's gotten into him, Jongdae tries to actively block Sehun's way until the other boy seems to give up and stare right into Jongdae's eyes with a frown on his face. There's even little wrinkles marring Sehun's forehead as the boy proceeds to cross his hands across his chest. ’What is it now?’

’You can't just take an apology back, that's not how it works,’ Jongdae says because honestly, he hadn’t thought this through. He'd rather let Sehun go but a demanding voice in the back of his head makes him go through the uncomfortable encounter.

Sehun lets out an exasperated sigh as he unfolds his hands and runs them through his short blonde hair. The gesture screams annoyance and yet Jongdae can't help but to press on. It's been more or less six months since their less than ideal break up and during that time Jongdae's had a lot of time for soul searching and reflective thinking. He's come to the conclusion that yes, he had been an ass. Maybe he still was, if he was to believe Amber and her never-ending complaints.

Jongdae was ready to accept that he'd been an idiot six months back and now he was ready to face his mistakes and make amends. If something had become clear during the course of six months, it was the fact he still missed Sehun, extensively. The fact that he'd misread his own insecurities as a dislike for Oh Sehun was terrible, but that was something he needed to talk to Sehun about.

’Sorry, I didn't mean to-- you okay?’ Jongdae interrupts his train of thought as he sees the distress on the younger boy's face.

’I hope you understand when I say that this is not something I want to discuss with you.’ The air around Sehun turns cool and dismissive. The boy keeps looking at his sides, clearly hoping to escape the situation.

Jongdae stays quiet. He really wants to apologize but he realizes that he doesn't have the right to hold Sehun's attention that way any more; he doesn't have the right to demand the other boy to listen. Jongdae had acted like a dick and just because making amends was now convenient for him doesn't mean Sehun is ready for it. 

’I want you to know, that when it's okay with you I would like to talk to you,’ Jongdae says with a calm voice and hopes that Sehun will understand.

The boy lets out another distressed sigh and he looks at Jongdae with utter helplessness. ’Hyung,’ he says, ’now's really not the time.’

’I know,’ Jongdae says and steps aside. Sehun needs to go and Jongdae will let him. They can talk another time.

Sehun walks past him.

 

The days following Jongdae's abrupt meeting with Sehun are filled with chaos. Maybe the chaos doesn't show up in destroyed cities and broken civilizations but that doesn't mean that the rampant thoughts running around Jongdae's head don't leave burning bridges behind.

He's once again sitting in a library but with a different essay that now lays discarded somewhere under all the illegally torrented X-files episodes. Although now Jongdae has more pressing matters at hand, like talking to Amber via Skype while trying to stay as quiet as possible so that the librarian doesn't notice.

’Well I wouldn't say you fucked it up. Not completely,’ Amber muses in his laptop screen and Jongdae hides his face in his palms.

’Hey, he didn't say outright no to you, did he?’

’No, he didn’t,’ Jongdae mutters through his palms and looks at Amber's pixelated face hopefully. ’So you think we can actually have a proper talk at some point?’

’Yeah, I don't see why not. Sehun was always the smart one in your relationship so if your messy self has come to speaking terms…' Amber trails off and Jongdae lets out a loud sigh.

 

It takes couple days more until Jongdae runs into Sehun again. It's funny how he'd spent the start of his semester in utterly Sehun-less bubble but now the boy is turning into a constant fixture in his campus life.

Jongdae is once again on his way to get a pick-me-up coffee in the middle of some intense studying when he spots Sehun sitting alone in a corner table, buried under multiple books and messy notes. Jongdae makes his order to the familiar barista, this time without any unnecessary chatting and keeps his eyes trained on Sehun while his coffee is being prepared.

With the coffee in his hand Jongdae approaches the other boy, heart beating a nervous rhythm in his chest.

’Can I sit?’ he asks and waits for Sehun's answer.

The boy in question lifts his eyes briefly and after what seems to be a small contemplation break, he nods and Jongdae seats himself on the bench opposite to Sehun.

They sit in silence and Jongdae watches as Sehun scribbles down something on his various notebooks scattered across the table top. He works meticulously through books and refuses to grant Jongdae another look. Jongdae doesn't know how long he sits there, but he doesn't mind. He wants to talk to Sehun and he's willing to wait.

After a while and another Sehun finally closes one of the thickest books in front of him and starts collecting his things in a neat pile. Oh Sehun is tired, there's no doubt about that. The dark circles under his eyes are telling enough but his sluggish movements and slow blinking just make it even more obvious. The Sehun Jongdae had grown to know during the course of their relationship never showed this side; The Sehun at the time was always immaculately put together, all sharp edges and steady moves. It was a huge contrast to the Sehun in front of him now.

When the boy is done stacking his books he finally turns to look at Jongdae and the tension in his shoulders is now starting to reach the muscles of his neck.

’So I guess you want to talk," Sehun states the obvious.

’Yeah. Took me long enough, right?’ Jongdae smiles sarcastically and feels the smile straining his face. Sehun doesn't say anything and Jongdae can't say he's surprised. The other boy doesn't have anything to say.

’I'm sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry and I know this doesn't even begin to cover my actions but I'm sorry.’

’Why should you be sorry? You broke up with me and the last time I checked, people were allowed to do that,’ Sehun asks.

’Not if they're doing it for the wrong reasons.’

’Such as?’

’Not understanding their own insecurities as what they are but blaming you for them, for one.’ After Jongdae's done the silence between them stretches from seconds to full minutes and Jongdae doesn't know what to say. Luckily for him, Sehun seems to come up wit something.

’What sort of insecurities are we talking about? I think I was doing a pretty decent job as your boyfriend.’

’You were more than decent, believe me. But I think that might have been part of the problem.’

’You need to elaborate a little, hyung,’ Sehun says and Jongdae sees that the other boy is actually confused.

Jongdae doesn't know how to go about the subject because honestly, he was never comfortable enough to think about it. He acknowledged his mistakes, yes, but he'd never gone in to the details. When he'd initiated this talk with Sehun, he hadn't had the sense to come up with a battle plan and he now finds himself in a situation where he doesn't know how to proceed. He makes vague gestures with his hands, absurdly hoping that Sehun would be able to read them but as the impatient frown on Sehun's face gets deeper, Jongdae knows he needs to find the words.

’You are two years younger than me. The reason we ever even made contact is the fact that I got jealous of you and where you were in life,’ Jongdae starts and suddenly he's very aware of his surroundings. Maybe a coffee shop wasn't the best place to have a heart to heart conversation.

’I thought we met because you wanted to listen to some raunchy idol.'

’No. I was jealous because you had achieved things I hadn't and that made me insecure as fuck,’ Jongdae keeps on going and surprises himself with how well the words were actually coming together.

’So it was my fault?’ Sehun asks, getting back to his defensive state.

"No! No no no. It was all my fault, I promise. I was petty and insecure and you just accidentally pushed all the wrong buttons."

’Then why did you stay around? You could've walked away back then,’ Sehun speaks very quietly but Jongdae doesn't have any trouble hearing his words.

’I don't know. I mean, I do, uhm. You just had the it factor? I don't know how to explain it, really. It's just that, despite all the things I just said, I liked being around you. I enjoyed your company.’

’Well then why did you lose your fucking mind right after we had sex?’ Sehun asks, bewildered and Jongdae gets the feeling that their conversation was staring to run in circles. ’Because it had all been building up, you know? You being so attentive and controlled and fucking amazing made me feel bad. Like I didn't have anything to offer to the relationship. You held all the strings and that made me really uncomfortable.’

The coffee shop is not exactly buzzing with customers at ten in the evening so both of the boys are trying to keep their voices down in order to avoid any unwanted attention. So far they've succeeded as the steady, silent sound of conversation is still continuing around them; the sounds of cups being laid on table tops and chair legs screeching against the floor are giving them a sense of privacy.

’You should've said something a little earlier. You should've said it so that I could have told you how terrified I was and how being with you was really the only thing that even tried to make sense,’ Sehun says finally and all the traces of anger are gone from his voice. His shoulders are relaxed and it doesn't look like he's shielding himself away from Jongdae anymore.

Jongdae doesn't answer because he knows Sehun is right. If he'd opened his mouth a little earlier things probably wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. But things had gone down and there Jongdae found himself having a second chance. He wanted to make it count but he was a little unsure what to do.

’Are you busy with that?’ Jongdae says, pointing towards Sehun's pile of books, changing the topic completely. He felt that they both needed a little distance from the subject even if it was only temporary.

’No, it's just school work. I mean, I'm not doing that well, but…' Sehun trails of and shrugs his shoulders.

The boys are at loss at what to do. Neither of them really wants to circle around the subject since it seems pretty important that they talk things through. However, diving head first into the painful topic seems maybe too overwhelming at the moment. They spent a couple of seconds in an uncomfortable silence and then Sehun suggests that Jongdae could walk him home, if he wanted to.

 

They're on their way towards Sehun's shared apartment near the edge of the campus. Jongdae lives on the other side but he's familiar with the area as he takes some of his classes in the building near Sehun. They are not talking as they walk but now Jongdae's okay with it. The uncomfortable air around them has finally melted away and left them in a peaceful bubble.

Sehun is leading them towards a high building and as they reach the lit doors he digs around his pockets for a key. His movements come into a halt. Sehun turns to Jongdae, ’Do you want to come in?’

Jongdae nods his head and follows the younger boy to the hollow stairs.

 

Sehun and Jongdae are sitting on the opposite ends of the couch, each of them nursing a cup of tea in their hands. The apartment is empty apart from them since Sehun had informed him that Zitao was out with some of his Wushu friends.

Jongdae has been to Sehun's place before, the most recent visit being the one when he'd completely fucked their relationship over. The flat had looked different back then; Jongdae remembers feeling uncomfortable and thinking how it had all been too much, too Sehun. Now things are much more comfortable and the sense of foreboding doom has disappeared completely

’You said it was uncomfortable for you. That I was so in control about everything.' Sehun is the first to open his mouth. Jongdae nods in response, waiting for Sehun to continue. ’And then I said that it was uncomfortable for me too.’ Sehun is clearly on to something as he lets out his carefully mulled sentences. ’Makes you think why we stuck together for so long, doesn't it?

’I don't think our problem is not fitting together. I think we just didn't trust ourselves around each other, you know? We were both insecure and we just showed it in different ways,' Jongdae says. He's being very careful with his words, not wanting to disturb the other too much.

’So we didn't know how to demand what we wanted nor how to grant the other's wishes?" Sehun looks at Jongdae, question in his eyes.

’Something like that.’

It seems that Sehun has been thinking about these things for a long time now, like Jongdae. The break-up had effected the both of them and somehow Jongdae felt not good, but okay with it. Sehun had needed him as much as he had needed Sehun and that was comforting.

’I like being in control of things’

’I know,’ Jongdae answers sincerely.

’But sometimes I feel like I need to let go a bit,’ Sehun says, ’and I think I could do it with yo. Let go, that is.’

Jongdae has no idea how to react and Sehun seems to sense his hesitation as he moves closer to Jongdae. Suddenly Jongdae is very aware that they haven't been this close since the break-up. The heart in his chest is starting to beat abnormally fast.

’Hyung.'

It is very little Jongdae can do but response as Sehun closes the gap between their mouths and starts kissing him. Sehun wounds his hands around Jongdae's neck and in his hair as he seats himself on the older boy's lap. Things have moved from somber to heated in over a second and Jongdae is still trying to catch up as Sehun pulls his hair a little and lets out a small, annoyed noise. Sehun pulls back and stares into Jongdae's eyes.

’I need you to tell me what to do.’

Jongdae's head short circuits as he tries to process the words. The want inside of him blows up exponentially and suddenly there is little else on his mind but Sehun laying underneath him, obeying him and writhing under his touch. ’Then you need to do exactly what I ask you to,’ Jongdae says and runs his tongue filthily across Sehun's lower lip. ’Understood?’

Sehun nods, not daring to do anything else and Jongdae takes that as his permission. Steadying his hands on the younger one's hips he pries Sehun away from him and lowers him on to the sofa, towering over him. Sehun's hands are digging into his skull as the boy tries to grab something to hold on to.

Jongdae leans in carefully and kisses Sehun. The mood set by them is now completely different because all of a sudden their actions have a destination. The ways they need to get there are still little hazy but Jongdae plans on finding them as he goes. Sehun sighs into the kiss and tries to deepen it by rising upwards but Jongdae isn't planning on lingering. Instead he starts moving downwards, completely discarding Sehun's red lips and turning his attention from Sehun's jaw to his peeking collarbones. Jongdae peppers tiny kisses all over the jutting bones and then sinks his teeth in and creates a small burning mark that has only one story to tell: Oh Sehun is his and only his.

Jongdae knows that his ministrations are nothing but teasing as he continues to move down on Sehun's lithe body, slowly opening his button-up as he goes. He stops for a while to abuse Sehun's nipples but as the sounds coming from the other boy's mouth turn into more demanding moans, he stops and continues his way down the toned body. He doesn't stay too long anywhere and he keeps his fingers on Sehun's sides feather light and all his actions are nothing but gentle, cocky and teasing.

As he reaches the hem of Sehun's trousers Jongdae nips at the skin on top of Sehun's strutting hipbone and opens the belt easily. The jeans are an easy item to get rid of, alongside the now open shirt and a pair of socks. He leaves the boxers on for now. The boy under him is getting frustrated and impatient and Jongdae basks in the glorious moment. When the skin on Sehun's hips is dotted with small bite marks Jongdae wraps his hands around the elastic band on the boxers and pulls them down.

Now Jongdae is face to face with Sehun's rock hard cock. It's turning upwards, resting against the boy's stomach. Sehun's responsive body is making Jongdae feel lightheaded.

Nipping at the skin on Sehun's inner thighs makes the boy move restlessly underneath him. Jongdae lifts his gaze a little only to be greeted with an eyeful of aroused, very hot headed stare and a pair of blushing cheeks. Jongdae grins and turns his attention towards the leaking shaft in front of him. He breathes warm air on Sehun's member and watches as it twitches in response. Sehun lets out a breathy moan. Encouraged by it Jongdae licks a long stripe along the shaft and closes his head around the wet crown. Sehun fists find even firmer purchase in Jongdae's hair as he tugs it in despair.

Jongdae doesn't give the boy anything else as he suddenly rises. Sehun's outraged protests die on his lips as Jongdae rises his eyebrows suggestively.

’You want to move this to the bedroom?’

The both scramble to their feet and move towards the bedroom. Sehun sees this as an opportune moment to shed Jongdae out of his too many clothes. Jongdae's hands stop Sehun right before the boy is about tug Jongdae's briefs down. Sehun is not above pouting when the moment calls for it.

’You promised to do as I say,’ Jongdae says and pushes Sehun down on the bed, the boy's back pushing against the scratchy sheets. Jongdae lowers himself on top of Sehun and the kiss that follows is hot and heavy, demanding every bit of the attention the both of them have to give. Jongdae sucks, licks, bites and just downright devours Sehun. They're both breathless as Jongdae distances himself from the kiss. He watches Sehun with an unreadable expression on his face and leans in to cover Sehun's hands with his own, as they are now bunched in the sheets.

’You don't get to touch yourself and you don't get to come before I say so.’ With that Jongdae goes back down on Sehun, taking his member fully into his mouth.

Sehun's never really been vocal in bed, not when it came to sex. Not with Jongdae and not with anyone before him. Now though, as Jongdae's slick mouth is stretched around his cock after such prolonged tease and torture, Sehun can't help himself but to let out a dirty shout.

With Sehun's dick in his mouth Jongdae reaches for the bedside table where he knows Sehun stores his lube and condoms. While licking a filthily through the slit he manages to coat his fingers with the sticky substance. Jongdae lets go of Sehun's member but before the other boy has even sense to protest Jongdae has already pushed his first finger through the tight ring of muscles. He's not planning on giving Sehun any rest.

The deep groan that lefts Sehun's mouth makes Jongdae's spine shiver. He was doing all this to the boy underneath him. It is Jongdae who's coaxing all these reactions from Sehun, and it feels a little unreal.

’I'm going to make you feel so good,’ Jongdae growls as he thrusts his finger in and out of Sehun's twitching hole. ’I am going to fuck you so hard. It's going to feel good, isn't it baby? Do you want me to fuck you until you can't remember your own name? Do you want it?’

Sehun is having trouble breathing after hearing Jongdae's words but he keeps on nodding vigorously. ’I am going to tear you apart and you are going to love every second of it,’ Jongdae murmurs through his lips and adds a second finger, enjoying the little hitch in Sehun's breathing.

It doesn't take long until Jongdae is stretching Sehun open with three of his fingers, eyes trained on the expressions that made their way on Sehun's face thrust after thrust. ’Uh-huh.’ Jongdae stops Sehun's hand from reaching the his own dick. ’You have to ask for it,’ Jongdae says breathlessly, as his fingers continue hitting the spongy spot of tissue inside Sehun. The younger boy is bordering on crazy with his erratic movements and small hiccups. ’What do you want, baby?’ Jongdae's voice has taken a threatening turn as he slowly pulls his fingers out. ’You need to tell me.’

Sehun's noises of protest turn into breathy moans as Jongdae plunges his fingers right back in. However, Jongdae is playing dirty and before his fingers hit the sweet spot his movements stop. ’Tell me what you want.’ Jongdae's growling now and it's sending Sehun into a frenzy.

’I want you to f-fuck me, hyung. Please. Please, Jongdae-hyung,’ Sehun's almost sobbing and Jongdae finally gets what he wanted. Jongdae's fingers hit the spot inside Sehun and just as fast as the fingers had come they're out again and Sehun's left empty. Sehun's asking Jongdae to come back as the older boy is rolling a condom over his own aching member.

’Sehun-ah, turn up on all fours for hyung.’ Sehun clambers frantically into the position, willing to do anything to get Jongdae up close and personal again. Jongdae marvels the sight in front of him at the same time as he's lubing himself. Jongdae appreciates the view presented for him and let's Sehun know it by slapping his left cheek with a sharp palm. Sehun mewls and Jongdae scoots closer, grabbing the ass cheeks and moulding them in his rough hands. Sehun lets out a litany of silent pleas and Jongdae is dead set on giving the boy what he is asking for.

With one swift movement he finds himself buried down to the hilt in Sehun's ass and the boy under him was trembling profusely. ’Move, hyung. Please.’

Jongdae's self control had been crumbling steadily throughout the course of the evening and right then he feels the final shreds of control leaving his body. He starts moving inside Sehun, giving the other everything he has.

For Jongdae the feeling is unbelievable and judging by the choked gasps Sehun keeps making, he feels the same way. Jongdae's moves are demanding as he keeps on drilling deeper into Sehun's behind. One particularly strong move sets the younger boy tumbling forward as his arms can no longer keep his upper body upright. Jongdae is feeling the sweet pull in his groin and he knows he is close. With a little effort he drags Sehun up towards his chest and holds him steady by grabbing his waist.

’Touch yourself.’ Jongdae breaths into Sehun's ear and watches as Sehun starts pulling his cock with trembling hands. The movements the other boy makes are erratic and irregular, not going to the same pace with Jongdae's thrusts. He can tell Sehun's close. ’You can come. Come for hyung,’ Jongdae whispers with his broken voice and stresses his words by biting the boy's earlobe.

Sehun lets out an uncontrollable sound and Jongdae watches as he comes into his hands, staining his stomach and thighs. Jongdae is so close himself so he helps Sehun ride the waves of his orgasm by pressing into him vigorously pull after pull. Sehun looks so spent in his arms that it doesn't take long until Jongdae hits his own completion. He feels the condom filling up and the feeling of utter bliss hits him like a wave, making his bones feel all heavy and weary.

Jongdae tries to catch his breath as he sets Sehun down on his back. Sehun's eyes are closed and he doesn't react as Jongdae grabs some tissues from the same bedside table as earlier and cleans the mess between Sehun's legs. Jongdae has to leave the bed for a moment as he throws the tissue and the spent condom into the bin at the edge of the room.

When Jongdae gets back to the bed he lies down next to Sehun and pulls up the covers that've been pushed to the foot of the bed. Sehun is slowly coming back and Jongdae finds himself watching the other boy as he turns to face Jongdae.

’You have a filthy mouth,’ Sehun says and smiles, leaning in towards Jongdae to loan his body heat and to press a kiss on his mouth.

’Don't pretend like you didn't enjoy every second of it.’ Jongdae lets out a small laugh and buries himself easily in Sehun's collarbone. He can feel the vibrations as Sehun hums.

It's amazing how effortless it is, just to lay still after so much hassle. Sehun's taller body is wrapped around Jongdae's smaller frame and Jongdae wouldn't have it any other way. Breathing in the salty smell of Sehun's skin calms Jongdae down like nothing else ever has and the steady beat of their heart beats lulls them both into sleep.

 

They are faced with an entirely different morning after. Neither of them is in a hurry to leave the comfortable bed as the prospect of actually pulling clothes back on and facing the chilly kitchen is so much worse than their current situation: Jongdae has his back pressed against Sehun's naked chest and the other's hands are wind around him. Their lazy kisses don't lead any further than that as they both just want to bathe in each other's presence. Jongdae feels comfortable in his own skin and he basks in the glory that is Oh Sehun's undivided attention. He's okay to be cared for as long as he gets to return the favor.

They still have some talking to do, but not right now, not when Sehun's being disgustingly cute and making Jongdae ache all over. 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](http://onalandfarfaraway.tumblr.com/post/72816346408/sehun-on-ivy-club-magazine-interview-15th-ed) and [this](https://twitter.com/OhSehunOrg/status/381075366384660480) because they're such dweebs. But ugh, this fic is a mess and for that I apologize. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. Love you.


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